Hey yall, it has been almost a month since I talked to you all, and I have so much I want to tell you. I really want to explain everything to you without leaving out anything so I’m going to do a series of posts to get you caught up… otherwise it will be a mini novel!
Before I tell you what has been going on with me, how have yall been doing? For those of you that have children, how is the school year going so far? I can’t even talk about that yet on my end, that will be for another post!
Whats Been Going On?
If you remember, the last time I posted I told you I was having some issues with my medication. Well, it is more so my heart. My medication is causing me to have issues with my heartbeat, and currently it wants to beat only 55-58 beats per minute. Due to the low heart rate, I have been dealing with a lot of fatigue, headaches, passing out, dizziness, nausea, upset stomach. The list goes on and on, so I had to take a much-needed break and get rest. I thought I would be able to bounce back sooner but my body proved me wrong.
During my break, I laid in bed playing this game on Facebook called ThugLife. As crazy as it sounds, while I laid in the bed, it made me feel as if I was still part of the world. When I was getting use to the side effects, I moved up to playing X-Box again. I started sitting up in the bed longer, and gradually moved to the chair. It seems funny now, but that medication had my eyes and hand coordination off. I couldn’t really get it together.
A Family meeting
During the initial stages of my medication affecting me in the worse way, I decided to hold a family meeting. The meeting was about me going to hospice if the time ever came. I was met with the vilest looks given to me. Before I could even explain how I felt, Natlie and the girls went a little crazy on me. Yall, I just don’t want to be a burden on my family any more than I have to.
I even had a talk with Natlie, I told her she didn’t have to be here anymore if she didn’t want to. She didn’t sign up to be with someone like me, and I felt she has given up a lot being with me already, I didn’t want to hinder her happiness. That didn’t go so well either. She told me she wasn’t with a sick person she was living with her wife. Sickness and health weren’t just a slogan, it was a rule we lived by. I asked her what if I can’t love her physically anymore… she gave me this glare that made me feel so damn small. She walked to me and got on her knees and made me look her in the eye, she told me to never say that shit again. She told me I should never think that way because she loved when we cuddle more than anything.
I wish I could explain how I feel, but it’s like this bittersweet feeling. It feels good to hear those words and I know she means it; I know my children love me, but I just don’t want to be the reason they don’t live their life to the fullest extent.
How Am I Coping?
After finding out I am in stage four kidney failure, and dealing with the side effects of my medication, it has been really difficult at times to wrap my head around the fact that I am really fragile goods. Thats what I call myself “fragile goods”! You have to handle me with care!
Despite this, I have chosen to remain positive throughout this journey and take everything in stride. With the support and love of my family, I have been able to remain strong. Even if my expiration date will come sooner than many, I have chosen to remain content with my life and the support I have been blessed with.
Ultimately, it is important to recognize the support of our loved ones and take care of ourselves both physically and mentally. As the late author Maya Angelou said: “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” In short, having the courage to confront the harsh realities of life is a journey worth taking.
As always sending you Big Hugs and the Warmest Smiles